Luminary

What must I Do?

Isn’t this the question we’ve asked ourselves over and over and over and over again? For us it’s been nearly 5 months. That may not seem like a long time. For me personally it’s felt like a lifetime. When we went from spending Sundays together or weekend gatherings that included being in church together to complete ghosting. My estranged daughter and I taught Sunday school together. From all perspectives she really enjoyed it. The kids loved her. She and I actually served together even 11 years ago and some of those Sunday school kids still approach her as if she were still their teacher. We literally went from spending a day, once a month together to practice our art, she acrylic and I water colors, to complete silence. We were all together on the Friday before Fathers Day…then by that Sunday -Wednesday, our world went upside down.  The time lapse is the same as if we were grieving an actual death. The days feel foggy and sometimes very hazy, and I can’t remember how long it’s been. My thoughts and even my dreams are scattered with memories.

So we question ourselves. Many parents tell me how they have reasoned it over and over. They try to come to some kind of conclusion. Was there a moment? A word said? An offense made? If there was, why can’t we talk it through and say the , “I’m sorries”?  We are met with a brick wall of silence. I don’t know about you but I would rather argue and shout and feel as though progress forward is being made instead of this deafening loud silence.

Proverbs 3:5,6 tells us

Trust in the Lord with all of your heart, lean NOT on your own understanding.

Honestly, sometimes there is no way to reason something. There’s no conclusion or understanding. There’s only confusion.

Proverbs 4:6 instructs us to seek wisdom and Proverbs 11:14 says where no counsel is, people die.

It’s obvious we need help in this situation. We definitely don’t have all the answers.

Back to our title, What Must I Do?

I had a conversation with a local social worker, Rachel Hansberger who sent me an article from

Psychology Today  January 6, 2024

Here are a few of the suggestions made to parents who want to reconcile.

1. Examine why you want to reconnect.

 The reasons parents pursue reconciliation are as various as the reasons adult children estrange to begin with. A parent’s motivation is undoubtedly the key because it will determine pretty much how you will act and react. Do you actually miss your child and really want an opportunity to have a relationship with her or him? Do you regret the missed opportunities you had to know him or her?

Or, alternatively, are you embarrassed by this very public fissure and what it says about your parenting? Or are you trying to get access to a grandchild or grandchildren whom you believe you have a “right” to see? Or do you need something from your adult child that you didn’t before? Or do you want an opportunity to “set the record straight?” If you are motivated by any of these, you can trust that it won’t work. You might as well stop reading now

This actually stopped me in my tracks. I admit at first I was angry with the wording. Of course I miss her. Of course I want opportunities to spend time with her. I want to know her.

Then I had to ask myself that really hard question, “Am I embarrassed”? OUCH . The answer was yes. But it took a bit for me to be able to admit that to myself. I felt very justified saying, “I don’t deserve this!” The reality is, we don’t. Not in the way it’s been presented. Every human deserves the dignity of conversation. No one deserves to have their emotions and feelings dehumanized. Not in this context because again we aren’t talking about abuse, neglect or trauma in it’s true definition.

But, did I feel I had a right? Did I have a right to access to my daughter? To have expectations of her? Or even a harder question, do I have a right to access to my grandchildren? To a degree, yes I did. I felt that because I was an engaged parent and had done everything I knew to do, even in my own struggles and brokenness and humanness I deserved to have a close healthy relationship with my daughter. Maybe I even felt deserving of her care of me because I had been there to care for her.  I absolutely felt I should have access to my grandsons. I had worked hard on the parenting weaknesses and I was still working on being a good Nana. I had a close healthy relationship with my grandsons. So in my own framing of how relationships should be I felt I had a “right”.

The harsh reality is, I had 0 rights. ZERO. I had raised a perfectly grown human. Separate from me. A person all her own with her own marriage and children. Period. What she chooses is her decision.

Matthew 19:5,6

For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother and shall cleave to his wife.

Odd words but let’s break it down. Basically, they become one. Joined together. They are their own. Free to make their own family circle. Not obligated to parents. Don’t get yourself flustered here, yes there are several verses that speak to honor  thy father and mother etc. However honor may have a different definition than what we are lead to believe. Give yourself an opportunity to reflect on this. You may come to the same conclusion I did.

Honoring parents comes with generational blessings. Ephesians 6:2,3 Honor your father and mother so things go well with you.

It’s one of the Commandments. However read it correctly. Reverse the statement. If you want things to go well, honor your parents.

What’s the outcome? Choice. It always comes down to choice!

Am I hanging on to something that isn’t solid because I think it’s owed me?

• Let go of your defenses and “reasons.” It is understandable that you feel defensive—rejection hurts as does estrangement—but you have to be able to somehow shift onto neutral ground and begin with acceptance. Any defensiveness or rationalizations you bring to the table—that you weren’t as bad as all that, that you did the best you could, that you had your reasons for parenting as you did, and more—will only solidify your adult child’s conviction that you are not capable of listening, much less changing.

Admittedly, I am still working through this one. I feel we have apologized without excusing, we have requested a conversation and gave her the control to decide where, when and if she wanted a mediator or even a therapist of her choosing present. We want to listen, but we are met with silence.

• Be prepared to actually hear what your adult child has to say. Now that parental estrangement is actually being talked about more, one of the persistent myths is that of the adult child who cuts contact without saying a word; this scenario—of a fit of pique presumably over something minor—gets repeated over and over again in public forums and elsewhere. Or that the adult child was co-opted by a therapist who encouraged the rupture. It’s a big world out there and, yes, perhaps there is an adult child who cut off during a hissy fit or was convinced by a rogue therapist but these are usually myths, not truths. Daughters and sons usually take years, if not decades, to decide on estrangement and, yes, they generally confront their parents about their treatment before reaching a decision. The problem is that they are usually brushed off defensively, told that they are “too sensitive” or that they are making things up or have faulty, flawed memories. For an adult child who already feels unseen and unheard, these pushbacks are sometimes the final straw and, indeed, at that point, they may “ghost” their parent or parents because talk seems pointless

This is hard to read and even harder to reflect on. I desperately want to actually hear what she has to say. I have gone over and over in my mind the last several conversations and still I can’t find the topic that caused such division. I DO feel like social media and online therapies have encouraged this Go No Contact movement. I am supporting 33 families who have nearly the same story. So I have to wonder, how are we all experiencing the same issues? In several cases what we were told by our EC (estranged child) reads like a script. I honestly do not feel she was brushed off. The times she felt she needed therapy we sought it through our insurance. As an adult she felt she needed in-patient care and I drove all night for 8 hours to meet her and go with her to the hospital. So no I don’t feel like we dismissed her. We might not have completely understood, but we did what ever we could to provide the right therapy.

Because we had spent time together the week previous to the Go No Contact messages I do not see how she took months or decades to make the decision. To me it seems very encouraged by social media echo chambers and other estranged adults who support the decision to walk away from family. It’s not just us as parents, she walked away from her only living sister and her nieces who adored her and her nephew who loved her and especially loved time with his boy cousins. Now none of us are allowed time with them. So I highly question #3.

One of these 3 points have resonated with you or perhaps it caused you to paues and gave you something to think over. If you are interested, read the entire article.

My goal with these Luminary Friday Live FB broadcasts and here on my blog is to bring light into darkness. Estrangement is a dark and confusing journey. Perhaps these three options have given you some insight or opportunity to rethink your personal experience. The article lists 6.

Let me say a very quick prayer for you

We come to a place of quieting our thoughts, minds, bodies. We look to you to help bring clarity to confusion and light to darkness. Use tools and life lessons to help us walk in peace.

Amen

*Again this article is from

 Psychology Today January 6,2024

6 Things Estranged Parents Must Do Before Reconciliation