“We must accept finite disappointment but never lose infinite hope.” – Martin Luther King Jr
I’ve been musing the past few days on Hopelessness. In my head there’s a connection between the hopelessness of this generation and the Go No Contact movement of our estranged adult children.
I’m wondering if our political, social, economic atmosphere has so damaged them that they just become heart-hardened. Who are the easiest people to literally cut out of your life? Family. When you’ve lost hope you are desperate for some kind of ethereal change. It needs to be immediate. It needs to be almost surgical. Like amputating your biological connections or family of origin.
Disappointment is a real thing. We get so disappointed with our relationships that we just can’t even conceive of a different way. It becomes finite. Like the quote from MLK. When we trade hope for disappointment, what are we left with?
Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life. Proverbs 13:12
Let’s make this super simple. If loss of hope or hope that is traded for disappointment sickens the heart, then how might an individual behave? They would display symptoms of a sickness.
We are not ourselves when we are sick. Can you think of the last time you had a fever or pneumonia or the stomach flu? What if Hope Deferred that makes us sick causes us to act irrational? Confused? Irritable? Do these “symptoms” match your Estranged Adult Childs behavior?
Yes. I know there is much more to this. HARD STOP. But track with me here, Hopelessness is a terrible burden to carry. If you are a believer in Jesus and you carry your disappointments to Him, you have a “way of escape” like it says in 1 Corinthians 10:13 But, if our children never learned how to cast their care on to Jesus, well then they are just our there carrying this heavy load on their own. Rationale tells us, “They know better”. We speak to ourselves with dialogues like, “I raised them in church”, “they know the scriptures” . It seems to me, in my musings, that maybe they don’t!
In this Advent season as the Love, Peace and Joy candle have been lit and now we are in the last seven days, I just can’t help but ponder these questions. Is Hopelessness part of the root of this trend?
Let’s join together over the next several days as we look to the miracle of Christmas and ask the Holy Spirit to work a personal Christmas miracle in our estranged children. Let’s believe for Love, Joy, Peace and the Hope of Advent to encounter their spirits.
I’ll end with a prayer for those who might be dealing with hopelessness. Friend,parents, this prayer is for you too. My heart understands the tension between believing for a miracle and losing hope.
As we come to the day of celebrating our saviors birth I extend blessings and manifestations of the Hope, Love & Joy of Christ to you.
A Prayer for Those Living with Hopelessness
God of light and compassion, We come to You weary and heavy-hearted. For those who feel hope slipping away, who wake with questions and fall asleep with ache, draw near now.
When the days feel long and the future feels closed, remind them that You are still present in the waiting. Hold those who feel forgotten. Strengthen those who are tired of being strong. Whisper truth where despair has grown loud.
Bring gentle light into places of deep darkness. Restore breath to weary souls. Surround them with care, understanding, and grace. Where hope feels impossible, be hope for them—one moment, one step, one breath at a time.
We trust that even unseen, You are working redemption and renewal. Carry them when they cannot walk, and let them know they are not alone.
Amen.
Be a Luminary. Take your light into the world.
Ephesians 5:13,14 everything exposed by the light becomes visible-everything illuminated becomes light.
Hello friends, welcome to Luminary. My goal is to illuminate the darkness and confusion of the Go No Contact Trend. I am not a professional. I’m a mom and Nana who is walking this journey and looking for some light.
This past week as I spoke with so many families who are dealing with this heartache, I always listen for a word or phrase that calls to my spirit and imagination. Usually, it happens around Tuesday or Wednesday and then I research it and continue asking questions of the families. Well, this week it came to me just yesterday. I was talking with a friend who is also experiencing this and we came across a topic that needed further thought. That’s how intuition sometimes happens. It can feel ve3ry last minute, yet, always right on time.
I’m in a Facebook group of estranged parents and as we were discussing a topic yesterday, I thought to ask where everyone else. was from. I had a thought that maybe this really was just a USA issue. I was surprised to see that no indeed it isn’t. Members were from UK, Australia & Canada, So then my thought was, “Is this not a third world country issue”? After our discussion I reached out to a missionary friend in Pakistan and asked her the same question. I was very surprised to hear that they are dealing with the same trend.
So to go back to the title, “What Really is the Influence” one common denominator is social media. It is one common thread. Is it the only though? This might get deeper than I’m ready for and I might need to revisit this. I am going to introduce the spiritual side of influence. We are three dimensional and if we think for a moment our spirits are not influenced as much as our mind or character, we need to have another think!
I’ve found that there are definite overlapping parts of Go No Contact and Cancel Culture. In both movements there is the extreme idea of boundaries. Not just setting relationship agreements but hard lines that tell, especially parents, I want nothing to do with you and often other family members as well. The public social action is very strong in both cases. Social media not only initiates the idea but it celebrates those who join it and rewards those who hold their boundaries, no matter the cost in reality.
For something to be this worldwide spread, we have to look at the spiritual influences. The evil spiritual influences. If evil spirits can cause this much havoc amongst families, then how much more could love heal? How much more can grace heal? How much more can mercy heal? Not only us, but our estranged adult children.
Let me cover you and myself as well with this prayer. Let us remember to walk this journey out with LIGHT
Prayer for Healing in Relationships
Father of Light, I come before You with a humble heart, seeking Your love, grace, and mercy. Where there is hurt, bring Your healing. Where there is misunderstanding, bring clarity and compassion. Where hearts are divided, bring reconciliation and peace.
Lord, pour out Your love into our hearts, that we may forgive as You have forgiven us. Fill the spaces between us with Your grace, that resentment and anger may fade. Shower us with Your mercy, that broken bonds may be restored and relationships renewed.
Teach us to speak with kindness, listen with patience, and act with humility. Help us to reflect Your love in all our interactions and to seek unity over pride.
May Your Spirit guide us toward healing, understanding, and restoration, so that our relationships honor You and bring joy and peace to our lives.
In Jesus’ name, I pray. Amen.
Ephesians 5:13,14 everything exposed by the light becomes visible-everything illuminated becomes light.
Also described as Oprah Explores the Rising Trend of Going No Contact with Your Family
Oprah Winfrey Podcast released November 25, 2025
Accessible via YouTube
I will be 100% honest, I DID NOT want to listen/ watch this podcast. Unfortunately, I literally judged the book by the cover, which is a terrible thing for an author to do! The very title made the hair on the back of my neck bristle. This is a sensitive topic for me, as it is for so many families.
However, because of the widespread attention this topic is receiving I felt it was important to put my personal bias aside and make some mental and emotional space to watch unprejudiced. I am glad I did. I will share with you some of my takeaways. But I highly recommend if you are walking through estrangement, please take the time to watch it. You can view it on YouTube. I felt it was balanced and seeing it gave me an opportunity to watch body language, facial expression and hear voice tone at the same time. Can you tell I am an immersive individual?
If you have watched it, or will watch it, please leave a comment. I would really like to engage in a conversation.
Let’s start with a fact shared by Oprah, “One-third of American families are estranged”. Wow that seems like a lot. Does this lend towards the thought it’s a trend? Definitely. But is it a trend like 1970s Hippy movement or the 90’s grunge band? Not exactly. Although the Peace, Love, Let it Be Hippy trend did actually cause a revolution. So maybe Going No Contact is a bit like that. Why in the world would I say that? This current movement has evolved because information and social norms have begun again to shift. Like in the 70’s, suddenly people are feeling brave about questioning authority. Redefining once accepted social rationales such as,” They are family”, “But you only have one mom”, etc. Reframing definitions of these once socially accepted behaviors has led to a generation of adult children who choose to walk away.
My questions are, “Is this excessive?” It seems like it is becoming the “thing” dare I say “trend”? Can we explore how social media influences it? How can so many families be affected? Why does it seem to follow a pattern? We hear the same repeated phrases such as, protecting my peace, setting boundaries, my own mental health, etc.
The panel of experts that Oprah interviewed on the podcast were Dr Joshua Coleman, relationship expert and author, Lindsay C. Gibson, clinical psychologist and author, Nedra Glover Tawwab, mental health therapist and writer.
In my nonexpert opinion, they were all very honest, informed, balanced and wise. I can’t say I agreed 100% with everything said though I do appreciate the insight. Much of what was said gave me views and thoughts to reflect on. I value being able to walk away from an experience with the chance to build on my understanding. Even if it means tearing down some of my previous ideas.
One of the important things I have reflected on was said by Dr Coleman when he mentioned that social media has exacerbated the issue. I can’t agree more. Trust the science, right? Algorithms within our online society practically regurgitate the topic. Not only social media but AI. Engage with ChatGPT on the subject of relationship strain with family and it doesn’t take very many interactions before Go No Contact is introduced. I experimented with it and found this to be true.
Another thing he said was, “They don’t know you”. This is a mic-drop statement! Adult Children are using AI and social media platforms to gain therapeutic advice but there’s no real family dynamic context. They don’t know you!
Another quote from Dr Coleman, “We are a divided society. We need to figure out how to talk as families.”
He called some therapist “Detachment brokers” who are diagnosing parents without knowing them.
Dr Lindsay C Gibson spoke of the need to detach or estrange when there is clear areas of control. However, she didn’t define what psychotherapies are calling control. I think it’s imperative that we have an understanding of what these influencers are using to explain experiences of childhood. Even Dr Coleman said,” We have expanded views and broadened terms” This seemed in context with terms like toxic, abuse, neglect and narcissism. Ok, what are the new views? What have you broadened the terms to mean?
What Dr Nedra Tawwab added to the conversation gave me reason to pause. In brief she asked, “Why aren’t they coming? If we have asked our estranged child to have a discussion with us, why, do they refuse?
Could it be we, as a parent, as a person, have a strongway of engaging? Do we have stronger energy than we realize? She added that this isn’t a bad thing, but it may need some self-reflecting.
For me it made me think, “Is this true of me”. Remember earlier I said I was an immersive person. Well sometimes that serves me well. In my art, writing, experiencing contemplative moments. But maybe it’s overwhelming when I want to have a discussion with my daughter. I’m totally willing to look at that about myself.
Dr Tawwab also suggested admitting in a conversation that we both did something, and a hard conversation is needed. It’s not ever one side. I must agree with that 100%.
A jewel of a concept made by Dr Gibson is the need for Role vs Relationship. What I understood of that was, not demanding respect or even relationship simply because of our biological connection. Perhaps some relationships aren’t possible to be mother/daughter etc. This is a subject I need to go deeper into. I haven’t quite wrapped my head around it. I think of Abraham and Lot. They couldn’t function within their biological or even social cultural structure, and they went separate ways. (Bible reference Genesis 13.)
Here’s something I have struggled with since our daughter chose to Go No Contact. Dr. Coleman touched on it briefly. Why are parents expected to be everything? When I was raising my kids through the 90’s and early 2000’s we did what we could with what we had. AGAIN not talking about physical abuse or intentional mental emotional abuse and neglect. I’m feeling like I was expected to be a psychiatrist, developmental expert, neuro specialist etc etc etc. The professionals didn’t even understand what some kids were experiencing. Good parents who knew something was just “off” did what we could. We read the books, but there weren’t many out there. We sought pediatricians’ help. We sought educators’ help. We didn’t have social media, TikTok, or even Google. Remember Ask Jeeves??? However, now our adult children use the broadened view of the term neglect to blame us for not getting them the proper help or diagnosis. How is this fair? Well, it isn’t. Nothing about this trend is fair. It’s unjust to the parents, the adult children and the grandchildren. Everyone loses. Like Kendall Williams of Mums True Tea asked on the Oprah podcast, “Why are parents demonized, and adult children celebrated for cutting off ties”? Good question Kendall!
Dr Coleman shared his own experience of having his daughter cut off ties for three years. They have since reestablished their relationship but one of the issues he discussed with her during their time of reuniting and understanding one another was; Why didn’t she see the loving efforts? I ask that question too. It seems the Estranged Child is encouraged to only focus on experiences that they felt they were wronged in. Because they felt that way, it must be true and nothing else matters. It’s very black and white thinking for a generation that hates black and white thinking. For our personal situation I can’t understand why all the good is erased. There just seems to be question after question with this cutting ties trend.
This may lead me down a rabbit hole but stay with me. Two reasons I am hearing from families as to why adult children have decided to Go No Contact are Politics and Religion. (Sound like the 70’s to you?) I’m very curious to know why a man who you’ve likely never met, who sits in the Oval office is given so much power that it determines who you stay in relationship with? Track with me, yes, the President is a powerful national leader. I get it if you don’t agree with his policies. I don’t agree with many of them. I’m a conservative Christian and even I stood in a protest locally against the administrations efforts to wipe out historical bits of our National Parks. I get it. But my wonderings are, where was he when my child needed someone to advocate for her at three years old so she could receive the speech and delayed emotional development support she needed? Where was he when she felt overwhelmed with mainstream schooling, so I homeschooled? Where was he when she was 12 and went through a scary medical diagnosis that needed surgery? Where was he when friends became enemies and she needed protection? Where was he when she wanted to play drums, so we bought the rhythm sticks and encouraged her. Where was he when she had parts in the high school play or choir or church presentations? He didn’t sing her to sleep at night or read her favorite story over and over. He didn’t take her to the Grand Canyon or NYC or Niagara Falls. See where I’m going here? I could literally make a novel out of the wonderful things we did as parents but for some reason , a man who will likely fade away in the distant future has the power to end family relationships. Make it make sense.
I’m not going to address the religion factor in the blog post yet. I still need time to process some of that. If you have experiences to share, please do! Please comment. Pros or Cons. I’m totally willing to listen.
Ephesians 5:13,14 everything exposed by the light becomes visible-everything illuminated becomes light.
Isn’t this the question we’ve asked ourselves over and over and over and over again? For us it’s been nearly 5 months. That may not seem like a long time. For me personally it’s felt like a lifetime. When we went from spending Sundays together or weekend gatherings that included being in church together to complete ghosting. My estranged daughter and I taught Sunday school together. From all perspectives she really enjoyed it. The kids loved her. She and I actually served together even 11 years ago and some of those Sunday school kids still approach her as if she were still their teacher. We literally went from spending a day, once a month together to practice our art, she acrylic and I water colors, to complete silence. We were all together on the Friday before Fathers Day…then by that Sunday -Wednesday, our world went upside down. The time lapse is the same as if we were grieving an actual death. The days feel foggy and sometimes very hazy, and I can’t remember how long it’s been. My thoughts and even my dreams are scattered with memories.
So we question ourselves. Many parents tell me how they have reasoned it over and over. They try to come to some kind of conclusion. Was there a moment? A word said? An offense made? If there was, why can’t we talk it through and say the , “I’m sorries”? We are met with a brick wall of silence. I don’t know about you but I would rather argue and shout and feel as though progress forward is being made instead of this deafening loud silence.
Proverbs 3:5,6 tells us
Trust in the Lord with all of your heart, lean NOT on your own understanding.
Honestly, sometimes there is no way to reason something. There’s no conclusion or understanding. There’s only confusion.
Proverbs 4:6 instructs us to seek wisdom and Proverbs 11:14 says where no counsel is, people die.
It’s obvious we need help in this situation. We definitely don’t have all the answers.
Back to our title, What Must I Do?
I had a conversation with a local social worker, Rachel Hansberger who sent me an article from
Psychology Today January 6, 2024
Here are a few of the suggestions made to parents who want to reconcile.
Examine why you want to reconnect.
The reasons parents pursue reconciliation are as various as the reasons adult children estrange to begin with. A parent’s motivation is undoubtedly the key because it will determine pretty much how you will act and react. Do you actually miss your child and really want an opportunity to have a relationship with her or him? Do you regret the missed opportunities you had to know him or her?
Or, alternatively, are you embarrassed by this very public fissure and what it says about your parenting? Or are you trying to get access to a grandchild or grandchildren whom you believe you have a “right” to see? Or do you need something from your adult child that you didn’t before? Or do you want an opportunity to “set the record straight?” If you are motivated by any of these, you can trust that it won’t work. You might as well stop reading now
This actually stopped me in my tracks. I admit at first I was angry with the wording. Of course I miss her. Of course I want opportunities to spend time with her. I want to know her.
Then I had to ask myself that really hard question, “Am I embarrassed”? OUCH . The answer was yes. But it took a bit for me to be able to admit that to myself. I felt very justified saying, “I don’t deserve this!” The reality is, we don’t. Not in the way it’s been presented. Every human deserves the dignity of conversation. No one deserves to have their emotions and feelings dehumanized. Not in this context because again we aren’t talking about abuse, neglect or trauma in it’s true definition.
But, did I feel I had a right? Did I have a right to access to my daughter? To have expectations of her? Or even a harder question, do I have a right to access to my grandchildren? To a degree, yes I did. I felt that because I was an engaged parent and had done everything I knew to do, even in my own struggles and brokenness and humanness I deserved to have a close healthy relationship with my daughter. Maybe I even felt deserving of her care of me because I had been there to care for her. I absolutely felt I should have access to my grandsons. I had worked hard on the parenting weaknesses and I was still working on being a good Nana. I had a close healthy relationship with my grandsons. So in my own framing of how relationships should be I felt I had a “right”.
The harsh reality is, I had 0 rights. ZERO. I had raised a perfectly grown human. Separate from me. A person all her own with her own marriage and children. Period. What she chooses is her decision.
Matthew 19:5,6
For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother and shall cleave to his wife.
Odd words but let’s break it down. Basically, they become one. Joined together. They are their own. Free to make their own family circle. Not obligated to parents. Don’t get yourself flustered here, yes there are several verses that speak to honor thy father and mother etc. However honor may have a different definition than what we are lead to believe. Give yourself an opportunity to reflect on this. You may come to the same conclusion I did.
Honoring parents comes with generational blessings. Ephesians 6:2,3 Honor your father and mother so things go well with you.
It’s one of the Commandments. However read it correctly. Reverse the statement. If you want things to go well, honor your parents.
What’s the outcome? Choice. It always comes down to choice!
Am I hanging on to something that isn’t solid because I think it’s owed me?
Let go of your defenses and “reasons.” It is understandable that you feel defensive—rejection hurts as does estrangement—but you have to be able to somehow shift onto neutral ground and begin with acceptance. Any defensiveness or rationalizations you bring to the table—that you weren’t as bad as all that, that you did the best you could, that you had your reasons for parenting as you did, and more—will only solidify your adult child’s conviction that you are not capable of listening, much less changing.
Admittedly, I am still working through this one. I feel we have apologized without excusing, we have requested a conversation and gave her the control to decide where, when and if she wanted a mediator or even a therapist of her choosing present. We want to listen, but we are met with silence.
Be prepared to actually hear what your adult child has to say. Now that parental estrangement is actually being talked about more, one of the persistent myths is that of the adult child who cuts contact without saying a word; this scenario—of a fit of pique presumably over something minor—gets repeated over and over again in public forums and elsewhere. Or that the adult child was co-opted by a therapist who encouraged the rupture. It’s a big world out there and, yes, perhaps there is an adult child who cut off during a hissy fit or was convinced by a rogue therapist but these are usually myths, not truths. Daughters and sons usually take years, if not decades, to decide on estrangement and, yes, they generally confront their parents about their treatment before reaching a decision. The problem is that they are usually brushed off defensively, told that they are “too sensitive” or that they are making things up or have faulty, flawed memories. For an adult child who already feels unseen and unheard, these pushbacks are sometimes the final straw and, indeed, at that point, they may “ghost” their parent or parents because talk seems pointless
This is hard to read and even harder to reflect on. I desperately want to actually hear what she has to say. I have gone over and over in my mind the last several conversations and still I can’t find the topic that caused such division. I DO feel like social media and online therapies have encouraged this Go No Contact movement. I am supporting 33 families who have nearly the same story. So I have to wonder, how are we all experiencing the same issues? In several cases what we were told by our EC (estranged child) reads like a script. I honestly do not feel she was brushed off. The times she felt she needed therapy we sought it through our insurance. As an adult she felt she needed in-patient care and I drove all night for 8 hours to meet her and go with her to the hospital. So no I don’t feel like we dismissed her. We might not have completely understood, but we did what ever we could to provide the right therapy.
Because we had spent time together the week previous to the Go No Contact messages I do not see how she took months or decades to make the decision. To me it seems very encouraged by social media echo chambers and other estranged adults who support the decision to walk away from family. It’s not just us as parents, she walked away from her only living sister and her nieces who adored her and her nephew who loved her and especially loved time with his boy cousins. Now none of us are allowed time with them. So I highly question #3.
One of these 3 points have resonated with you or perhaps it caused you to paues and gave you something to think over. If you are interested, read the entire article.
My goal with these Luminary Friday Live FB broadcasts and here on my blog is to bring light into darkness. Estrangement is a dark and confusing journey. Perhaps these three options have given you some insight or opportunity to rethink your personal experience. The article lists 6.
Let me say a very quick prayer for you
We come to a place of quieting our thoughts, minds, bodies. We look to you to help bring clarity to confusion and light to darkness. Use tools and life lessons to help us walk in peace.
Amen
*Again this article is from
Psychology Today January 6,2024
6 Things Estranged Parents Must Do Before Reconciliation
Ephesians 5:13,14 everything exposed by the light becomes visible-everything illuminated becomes light.
We know that this was so difficult for Abraham. He was family oriented. He honored his father Tara and wanted a son. He took in his nephew Lot. But because they could not stop arguing Abraham suggested they part ways.
Paul & Barnabas Acts 15:39 Even ministry relationships, coworkers if you will sometimes have to separate. Paul and Barnabas could not come to an agreement, so they chose to go separate ways
Joseph and his brothers Gen 45 This story shows us all kinds of family dysfunction. We know that reconciliation happened at the end of the story. But, so much trouble, pain, confusion took place in the middle!
Matt. 10:34 -37 The sword will separate. This isn’t often preached from the pulpit. It’s not a podcast or even a devotional message. However, it is truth! Jesus came with a sword and sometimes it divides relationships. Even parents and children.
Romans 16:17 – “I appeal to you, brothers, to watch out for those who cause divisions and create obstacles contrary to the doctrine that you have been taught; avoid them.”
It’s hard to think that families can be separated. Relationships can be severed because of beliefs. We are not taught on this. We are often misled to believe that if we do everything right, we will have close, happy families. We are misled to believe that we can live in peace, if we do what we can to keep things peaceful. But there are times when what we believe about the Lord, his word and even His calling for our lives may cause division. This is a painful truth. How do we come to the place of accepting this, and being able to hold hope for those who have separated themselves from us? Especially if we are talking about estrangement of adult children.
Are your beliefs strong enough to withstand this level of pain? Do you trust that God is good and that he’s big enough to hold us when we feel our world is shattering?
Is Jesus enough? Pause with me for a moment. Reflect on that question in it’s reality. Is Jesus enough? If our spouse walks away? If our parents walk away? If we lose siblings? Friends? IS JESUS ENOUGH?
He must be enough. More than that He must be above all. It sounds harsh. It sounds like we can’t accept any other way. It sounds like we are not inclusive of other religions. It sounds like…pride. It’s anything but! It’s humility in it’s greatest form. NO ONE else has EVER given up their life for our eternal well-being. No ONE has ever fulfilled the promise of never leaving us. No one else can give us the comforter, Holy Spirit. Not our parents or spouse or children.
We can lose our true calling and identity when we allow ourselves to be absorbed in anything but Jesus. As we are raising our kids, it seems as if this is the end all of our existence. As if our mothering is all there is. Yes, this is a very important season in our lives. Yes we are called to parent them well. We are not however called to make them our soul purpose for breathing. This sets them up to be idols in our lives.
Let’s look at how something can become an idol
1 Anything good that feels essential to our identity
2 Focus shifts. Decisions are made depending on how it affects that or them more so than how it aligns with Gods word.
3 Trust is misplaced when only they can give you what God promises
A few verses that reveal where our hearts may be allowing motherhood to become an idol
Ezekiel 14:3 They have set up idols in their hearts
Idolatry begins internally not just statues
Exodus20:3 Have no other Gods before me
It’s about priority
I wish someone had mentored me in this while I was raising my daughters. I see now where I , at times, made them of more importance than the Word or even of what God called me to. It caused broken relationships when they became adults and we’ve had to work out several issues. It may even be a factor in why my adult daughter has gone No Contact.
We must regularly examine our hearts
Ask yourself
What do I feel I can’t live without?
Remember God is our true source
Intentionally give them to God
Stay in the scriptures to allow truth to realign our hearts desires.
We remain holding to hope. We pick up the torch and become luminaries, lighting the darkness.
Hope anchors our soul and we refuse to give in to the attitude of “it is what it is”. Because it’s not. We speak things that aren’t as though they were. Romans 4:17
We hold to the promise that our prayers are heard Psalm 6:9
God is not done with your family story!
As we take these thoughts into our day, or maybe for you it’s evening, lets pause to let the truth create space in our hearts, minds and imaginations.
Let’s lift our prayers together.
Heavenly Father,
We come before You humbly, acknowledging Your sovereignty and power in our lives. We declare that Jesus is the only God of our hearts, the One who reigns supreme and guides us with His love and grace.
Lord Jesus, we surrender our hearts to You completely. May Your presence fill every corner of our being, leading us to walk in Your ways and follow Your teachings. Help us to love You above all else, to worship You with all our heart, soul, mind, and strength.
Guard our hearts from distractions and temptations that seek to draw us away from You. Help us to stay focused on You, trusting in Your promises and relying on Your strength to lead us through every trial and challenge.
May our love for You shine brightly in all that we do, reflecting Your light to those around us. Create for us Luminary moments. Let Your love overflow from our hearts, touching the lives of others and drawing them closer to You.
Jesus, be the center of our lives, the foundation of our faith, and the source of our hope. We dedicate ourselves to You, our only God, now and forever. Amen.
Ephesians 5:13,14 everything exposed by the light becomes visible-everything illuminated becomes light.
Hey y’all. I am originally from California but I have lived in SC and now in WV so I feel obligated to use the term Y’all.
Welcome to Friday Luminary. You may wonder why I call it that. I’ll share the reason with you; Luminary means A person who inspires or influences others. It also means: A natural light-giving body like the sun or moon.
For me personally it is a calling. To be a luminary, a person who influences and inspires by bringing light into chaos, confusion or darkness.
Fridays can be hard for us who are dealing with estranged adult children. Weekends were once full of family plans. It’s especially hard when you are also a grandparent and enjoyed making fun memories with your grandchildren but now their laughter and calling for “Nana” are silent.
That leads us to our topic for this Friday. Generations. I have just gotten off the plane and am sitting in an airport. I flew from one side of the US to the other. I am going to spend time with my parents. I am a very blessed woman. I have known 4 generations of my family. I was very close to my own grandmother. My paternal grandparents moved a lot, so I didn’t really get to know them well until I was an adult and they settled in the same small area as the rest of my family. It was special to be able to pop by their house pretty much anytime. My maternal grandparents lived in the same house for most of my life. It was the house my mom was born in! I would not trade one moment of the time I spent with my Grandma Ruby. I would literally sit at her feet, and she would tell me stories of her childhood in the 1920’s. My life has been shaped by her stories, prayers, & cooking. I make potato soup just like she did. Oh, and chicken and dumplings! I’ve even passed those recipes on to my daughters.
We need these generational connections. Our mental, emotional and spiritual health depend on them. Peter Scazerro in his book The Emotionally Healthy Leader is quoted as saying “Jesus may be in your heart, but Grandpa is in your bones”.
Let me say right here, this is not referencing generational abuse or neglect. I agree 100% that those things need to come to an end. If you recognize these traits within your family line do what is necessary to let it end with you .Those situations are a different topic and must be addressed on a different platform.
We have generations of relationships that are meant to shape us. Yes, some are difficult. Some of these traits need to be weeded out and handled in a different manner for us and for future generations, however it likely isn’t necessary to cut them off entirely. Overall, we need them. Desperately. This is one of the dangers of the Go No Contact trend. We not only lose out on the present, but we also lose the really good parts of the past and ruin things for the future!
Can I just gently say, if you are watching this or reading my blog and you have made the Go No Contact decision with your parents, please find balanced professionals to help you with this very weighty choice. Take some reflection time and let yourself walk back through your life and maybe, just maybe there’s some goodness there that’s worth hanging on to enough to be willing to do the hard work of repair.
Here are a few thoughts on why generations matter:
One very important reason is God honors generational blessings. I know that much of the good that I have in my life is because my grandparents and parents prayed for me. I also know that I am blessed because I honored them. I respected them even in our sometimes differences of opinions. The thought of cutting them off never ever entered my mind. In honest authenticity there was a situation that caused a huge chasm between my parents and I. At the time I really needed some clarity and guidance. I did ask for a” break”. I requested a time of no communication. I took about two weeks, sought professional guidance, reflected, journaled and then reestablished communication. We worked through it. We said our apologies and worked through the issue helping each other understand the misunderstanding.
Ephesians 6;2,3 speaks of honoring our mothers and fathers so that it goes well with us.
When these two generations respect and honor each other faith and favor of God are passed on.
Let’s be honest, disagreements happen. Sometimes angry words are said, when hurts or even misunderstandings take place. NO ONE IS PERFECT. The Bible even makes space for this. Matthew 5:23,24 basically says If you have something to offer God but remember that you have a division between you and a brother or sister (or mom or dad/son or daughter) leave it at the alter and go to them and reconcile. Isaiah 1:18 reminds us to reason together.
We know that generational relationships are important. When we have been cut off from our children and grandchildren these future relationships are damaged and past relationships die.
Here’s a concrete example, if your child is named after a great uncle, that is a beautiful generational gift. However, if your relationships with your parents and consequently your grandparents are cut off then who is going to share the stories of “Great Uncle____________”? This truth goes even deeper if there are genetic medical issues. Cutting relationships has dangerous consequences.
This subject deserves a novel of its own. Statistics show that when grandchildren who have had a relationship with their grandparents are suddenly not allowed access, these kids can experience depression, grief and even have disordered thoughts that they did something wrong.
Go No Contact disrupts the entire family echo-system causing ripple effects with Aunts, Uncles and cousins. Children can have a sense of displacement. A “where do I belong” as with adopted children who have no biological family connections.
So, what can I say this Friday to be a luminary for you? Pray. Speak to those generational blessings. Call out to the future and speak reconciliation. We have hope. We always have hope and hope lights the darkness.
Take what light you have….be a luminary for someone else.
Heavenly Father,
Thank You for the gift of those who came before us and the blessings You’ve promised through every generation that loves You.
Teach us to honor our parents and elders with humility and grace, to listen to their wisdom, and to bless them in return.
May Your favor rest upon our families — from the youngest to the oldest — and may our hearts stay united in love and faith.
Let the heritage of righteousness and peace continue through every generation, for Your glory.
Amen.
Ephesians5:13,14 everything exposed by the light becomes visible-everything illuminated becomes light.
Ephesians 5:13,14 everything exposed by the light becomes visible-everything illuminated becomes light.
I know that being estranged from our adult children can feel like our history is erased and our future seems hollow. It is a very tough place to find balance. We question EVERYTHING especially who we were as mothers and who we are now.
I get this on a deep level because I have experienced child-loss. I know how difficult it can be to redefine who you are. I HAVE 3 daughters. However one is in eternity and one seems eternally absent from my life. I Have 5 grandchildren that I love with my very breath but 2 of them have been ripped away. These experiences demand we make a shift. Maybe only for a season but if we continue to use the same map to travel as we did before, we will lose our way. We have to change the map. In the book The Road Less Traveled M Scott Peck says “Rather than try to change the map, an individual may try to destroy the new reality.”
Lets not do that. Lets shift to what our new reality is. What do we do in the waiting?
In the waiting we seek support. You are not alone. Staying silent will not hurry the reconciliation process. I’m not encouraging communication attempts with your estranged child. That is wholly up to individuals. But, if you’re unsure of what might be the next best step, seek support. Seek therapy. Seek trusted relationships. Share the hurt.
Seek connections. Do not isolate. Spend time with friends. Do the coffee thing. Go to a movie. Start a book club. Join a group therapy. Connection is vital when we as moms feel cut out of our childs life.
Why are these two things important? Seeking support and connection? They help bring healing to us. We need wholeness. We need positivity. We need relationship. While we are in the waiting….these make us stronger. These connections can help reveal areas in our selves that need work. We deserve to know the weaknesses so we can be emotionally healthy women, wives, daughters, sisters, aunties & friends.
The third option we can take while we are waiting is to pour out of ourselves into others who are lacking but are willing to receive all the love we have stored up. Find a library and read to children. Find a women’s shelter and mentor a young mom. Volunteer at a children’s center. Support a foundation for families. The list is endless. The beauty of love is even if you pour it all out on one of these suggestions, when the waiting is over and the reconciliation happens, you will still have plenty of love to give. Chances are you will love better.
My greatest hope for you is that in the middle of this mess you will know Jesus and His unending, never lacking, always full, love for you. The bible says in Psalms 100;5 For God is good and his love is never ending. He wants to be part of the pain the confusion the healing in the waiting. We only have to invite Him.
So here’s your assignment, Find a way this weekend to be supported, make connections and give out of love. Please leave a comment so we can start a dialogue and encourage each other in the waiting.
Ephesians 5:13,14 everything exposed by the light becomes visible-everything illuminated becomes light.
A space for support for estrangement of adult children. Find truth, light and healing.
illuminating darkness
Hello,
My name is Babett Horn. I am a wife, married 33 years to my husband Eddy. Together we have three beautiful daughters, two sons-in-law and five amazing grandchildren. I am also an author and speaker. Although I am an author, blog publishing is new to me. I am very excited to take this new path and watch what God will do!
Let me start by sharing my “Why” with you. Why am I publishing blogs? I sense there is a shadow hoovering over many families. It brings darkness, silence, confusion, shame and guilt. It often isn’t talked about and those I have spoken with say they thought they were the only family walking through this. What am I referring to? The Estrangement of Adult Children. Chances are you or a family you know is facing this very catastrophic global phenomenon. According to the Cornell Chronicle, the book titled, “Fault Lines:Fractured Families and How to Mend Them” by Karl Pillemer in a large-scale national survey 27% of Americans 18 and older had cut off contact with a family member. That’s roughly 67 million people nationally! Those statistics qualify this as a Social Epidemic!
My goal here is to speak mainly to parents and grandparents who have been cut off. I will expose the Go No Contact social media trend. We are facing a psychosocial cult grooming echo chamber that has sucked adult children into its vortex. If this is calling to you because you are part of the 67 million then you see, you are not alone. Your heart ache and ambiguous grief is seen and heard.
I am a follower of Jesus. Not perfect in my practice of faith, but I am answering the call to support and bring light to the darkness of this subject. I have named my blog site Luminary. Here is the definition.
Luminary: A person who inspires or influences others.
My greatest desire is to inspire and influence with positivity. This is based on the Bible verses in Ephesians 5: 13-14 When anything is exposed by the light, it becomes visible, for anything that becomes visible is illuminated.
In order to see clearly through this mental, emotional and spiritual assault on families we have to be willing to bring it into the light, to talk about it, admit what is happening in our family and seek support. I plan, with Holy Spirits guidance, to bring references and conversations with professionals into this space and to allow you to share your story. Not to receive professional help but to gain perspective. We are not going to shame our adult children or manipulate. This is not the space to learn how to control the situation. This is a place to gain insight and learn how we as parents can fight this through truth and prayer. I believe the more knowledge we have the better our understanding and the more detailed our prayers will be. Amen?
With the invitation to share our stories I’ll start. On Father’s Day of this year our daughter was silent. That alone was a red flag. My husband heard nothing from her. The Friday prior to Father’s Day we had all been together roasting hot dogs and eating ice cream in our backyard. We were celebrating the end of the school year. There was lots of laughter and even plans for a “cousins’ sleepover” the following weekend. When Sunday came and went with no communication with our daughter we wondered what was going on. Simultaneously, my daughters and I have had a group text going for years. The interaction from her was very minimal for several days after Father’s Day. By Wednesday my husband messaged her asking if he had offended her. The reply to that message was absolutely the most confusing step into darkness we have ever experienced. He was told that she had childhood trauma that triggered her on Father’s Day and we were toxic and she needed boundaries and that she didn’t feel he deserved those three words, “Happy Father’s Day”. While sending that to him she was still acting as if things were fine in the group chat. I decided to take myself out of the chat so I didn’t say something I would regret. She saw this as shutting her out. When I tried to explain what her message to her dad had caused in me, the anger, hurt, confusion, my thoughts and feelings were completely dehumanized. On June 28th a very indepth group text was sent to me, my husband and our other daughter via our son -in-law. Our daughter had requested he send it and she let us know that from now on all communication was to go through him. We could only message if there were emergency situations. In the message we were told we could not have access to our grandchildren. The entirety of the message used very clinical language. Most of it didn’t sound like her. Along with this she posted on her social media that she had walked away from her family. If anyone had questions they were to go to her not us. This turned our worlds upside down. Because of family dynamics with our son-in-law being an only child and his mom living in another state, the 7 family members closest to our grandsons were suddenly ripped away from them. We have asked on 2 occasions for a sit down meeting. We have offered to let them choose when and where and have offered for them to have a mediator or therapist present of their choice. We are met with silence.
As I mentioned earlier her message sounded clinical. The use of the phrase go no contact seemed scripted. That is what plunged me into this deep dive of estrangement. You may read some of your story in ours. I encourage you to speak it out. Speak up. Together we can bring light the shadows. Continue to read my blog as I uncover more truth of the harmful trends that are systematically destroying families.
I will not end my first blog on a negative vibe. Here is a prayer I wrote for all of us luminaries as we carry the light and walk with less darkness.
Prayer of Illumination
Lord,
Illuminate the path before me as I walk through the shadows of estrangement.
Shine your light on what I cannot see-Truth, understanding and the quiet work You are doing in every heart
Help me to see my child not through pain, but through Your eyes of mercy.
Guide my words, guard my heart and let Your peace illuminate even the dark spaces between us.
Amen
Ephesians 5:13,14 everything exposed by the light becomes visible-everything illuminated becomes light
Ephesians 5:13,14 everything exposed by the light becomes visible-everything illuminated becomes light.
Luminary 