Luminary

Illuminating darkness

Generational Estrangement

Hey y’all. I am originally from California but I have lived in SC and now in WV so I feel obligated to use the term Y’all.

Welcome to Friday Luminary. You may wonder why I call it that. I’ll share the reason with you; Luminary means A person who inspires or influences others. It also means: A natural light-giving body like the sun or moon.

For me personally it is a calling. To be a luminary, a person who influences and inspires by bringing light into chaos, confusion or darkness.

Fridays can be hard for us who are dealing with estranged adult children. Weekends were once full of family plans. It’s especially hard when you are also a grandparent and enjoyed making fun memories with your grandchildren but now their laughter and calling for “Nana” are silent.

That leads us to our topic for this Friday. Generations. I have just gotten off the plane and am sitting in an airport. I flew from one side of the US to the other. I am going to spend time with my parents. I am a very blessed woman. I have known 4 generations of my family. I was very close to my own grandmother. My paternal grandparents moved a lot, so I didn’t really get to know them well until I was an adult and they settled in the same small area as the rest of my family. It was special to be able to pop by their house pretty much anytime. My maternal grandparents lived in the same house for most of my life. It was the house my mom was born in! I would not trade one moment of the time I spent with my Grandma Ruby. I would literally sit at her feet, and she would tell me stories of her childhood in the  1920’s. My life has been shaped by her stories, prayers, & cooking. I make potato soup just like she did. Oh, and chicken and dumplings! I’ve even passed those recipes on to my daughters.

We need these generational connections. Our mental, emotional and spiritual health depend on them. Peter Scazerro in his book The Emotionally Healthy Leader is quoted as saying “Jesus may be in your heart, but Grandpa is in your bones”.

Let me say right here, this is not referencing generational abuse or neglect. I agree 100% that those things need to come to an end. If you recognize these traits within your family line do what is necessary to let it end with you .Those situations are a different topic and must be addressed on a different platform.

We have generations of relationships that are meant to shape us. Yes, some are difficult. Some of these traits need to be weeded out and handled in a different manner for us and for future generations, however it likely isn’t necessary to cut them off entirely.  Overall, we need them. Desperately. This is one of the dangers of the Go No Contact trend. We not only lose out on the present, but we also lose the really good parts of the past and ruin things for the future!

Can I just gently say, if you are watching this or reading my blog and you have made the Go No Contact decision with your parents, please find balanced professionals to help you with this very weighty choice. Take some reflection time and let yourself walk back through your life and maybe, just maybe there’s some goodness there that’s worth hanging on to enough to be willing to do the hard work of repair.

Here are a few thoughts on why generations matter:

One very important reason is God honors generational blessings. I know that much of the good that I have in my life is because my grandparents and parents prayed for me. I also know that I am blessed because I honored them. I respected them even in our sometimes differences of opinions.  The thought of cutting them off never ever entered my mind. In honest authenticity there was a situation that caused a huge chasm between my parents and I. At the time I really needed some clarity and guidance. I did ask for a” break”. I requested a time of no communication. I took about two weeks, sought professional guidance, reflected, journaled and then reestablished communication. We worked through it. We said our apologies and worked through the issue helping each other understand the misunderstanding.

Ephesians 6;2,3 speaks of honoring our mothers and fathers so that it goes well with us.

When these two generations respect and honor each other faith and favor of God are passed on.

Let’s be honest, disagreements happen. Sometimes angry words are said, when hurts or even misunderstandings take place. NO ONE IS PERFECT. The Bible even makes space for this. Matthew 5:23,24 basically says If you have something to offer God but remember that you have a division between you and a brother or sister (or mom or dad/son or daughter) leave it at the alter and go to them and reconcile. Isaiah 1:18 reminds us to reason together.

We know that generational relationships are important. When we have been cut off from our children and grandchildren these future relationships are damaged and past relationships die.

Here’s a concrete example, if your child is named after a great uncle, that is a beautiful generational gift. However, if your relationships with your parents and consequently your grandparents are cut off then who is going to share the stories of “Great Uncle____________”?  This truth goes even deeper if there are genetic medical issues. Cutting relationships has dangerous consequences.

This subject deserves a novel of its own. Statistics show that when grandchildren who have had a relationship with their grandparents are suddenly not allowed access, these kids can experience depression, grief and even have disordered thoughts that they did something wrong.

Go No Contact disrupts the entire family echo-system causing ripple effects with Aunts, Uncles and cousins. Children can have a sense of displacement. A “where do I belong” as with adopted children who have no biological family connections.

So, what can I say this Friday to be a luminary for you? Pray. Speak to those generational blessings. Call out to the future and speak reconciliation. We have hope. We always have hope and hope lights the darkness.

Take what light you have….be a luminary for someone else.

Heavenly Father,

Thank You for the gift of those who came before us and the blessings You’ve promised through every generation that loves You.

Teach us to honor our parents and elders with humility and grace, to listen to their wisdom, and to bless them in return.

May Your favor rest upon our families — from the youngest to the oldest — and may our hearts stay united in love and faith.

Let the heritage of righteousness and peace continue through every generation, for Your glory.

Amen.

Ephesians5:13,14 everything exposed by the light becomes visible-everything illuminated becomes light.